Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
