she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Randomize
