can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
They are going to name an STD after you.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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