So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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