You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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