There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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