Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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