So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
