here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize