just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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