He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
