I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
