that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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