He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
