my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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