so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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