Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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