what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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