You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
