If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
