Tell her she can't have a vagina
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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