She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
