Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
