i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize