yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
