dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
