I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
