just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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