well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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