omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
