I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
