Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
