Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
