My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
