take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
