he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
