i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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