And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize