If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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