Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
