I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
