well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There are leaves in my underwear?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize