Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
