i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
