enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
