Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
