Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
