That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
