Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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