My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
