I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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