Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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