i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
