Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If I die, sorry about rent.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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