the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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