I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
