I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
