he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
