is your mom at the bar?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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