I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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