I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize