i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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