Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
COCAINE IS GR8
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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