I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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