my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
