So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
