My sheets look like a crime scene.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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