I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
